My dad's new flame went with the whole 'hard but fair' approach. Basically, my life went back to doing chores for some strange woman. She asked me to sort the laundry, vacuum the house, do all the things that "build character". She was never satisfied and criticized everything I did. I wasn't thorough enough with the vacuum cleaner. My hair still looked greasy, I should have washed it twice. I walk funny, we should go to a doctor and have him look at my feet. She meant well in her own fucked-up way, but to me it felt like the very fact I existed was a problem in her eyes. We didn't really get along very well and never grew too close.
Having learned absolutely nothing from his past mistakes, my dad couldn't wait to divorce my stepmother and get married to the neighbour. So the weird old lady who lived next door was suddenly my new stepmother. What's worse, Mona, who was about my age, concerned with the size of her tits and ran around the house wearing nothing but a nightshirt, was suddenly my stepsister. We weren't actual relatives, of course. My biological dad just happened to get married to her biological mom. Thing is, whatever attraction might have been there when we were just teens living next door to each other, died pretty much instantly when she was constantly referred to as my "sister". I was the horniest kid in town, but I wasn't gonna Lannister her.
It was the weirdest thing. My family has always been really open about anything sexual, about nudity, nothing was a big deal. People walked around the house naked all the time. My sister openly asked how big my wang was, which just didn't seem weird to me or anything. One night we pissed off of the balcony together. At some point she got her nipples pierced and showed the result to everyone around the dining table. We were discussing my sister's exposed tits over dinner. In a way, I guess we were... hippies? Nothing ever happened. Wasn't even considered or brought up. Wouldn't have felt normal.
Things with my newest family weren't all bad. My new stopmother's ex was rich. And I mean stupid rich. The guy made a killing at the stock exchange market and suddenly I had my own room, which was bigger than most apartments I had when I started to live on my own. I had my own TV and I had a satellite receiver. That's where I discovered my two favourite things in life next to gaming: Cartoons and standup comedy.
Nickelodeon was the coolest thing to have happened in my childood. Ren and Stimpy. Rocko's Modern Life. Not only were these shows hilarious, but they were so full of really adult humor, which most kids watching Nickelodeon would never understand. Then there was RTL Samstag Nacht, which I'm guessing was the German attempt at creating something like Saturday Night Live. These guys made fun of the news, pop culture, famous tv shows, everything people cared about at the time. Satire. Comedy. And it was all live on tape, so you could see when they messed up a line, lost their shit and started laughing and had to start over. These guys were my heroes, man! I would have loved to do the stuff they do someday when I grow up!
One of the guys from Samstag Nacht is a faithful GameStar reader. I saw him on Facebook and sent him a friend request. He accepted and sometimes he likes some of the crap I post. I idolize that guy and the idea that he may occasionally read one of my articles is so crazy, I have difficulty processing it. I watched everything he did when I was a teenager. Now he knows me through GameStar. This may sound completely stupid to you, but to me it's one of my biggest RL achievements, ever.
At this point in my life I knew that I totally wanted to voice-act for a cartoon someday. And that I'd love to do standup comedy. I don't think I will ever be brave enough to do either. I'd probably get nervous and die right there. But it's on my bucket list for sure. If nothing else, I learned a lot about jokes back then. Humor and videogames were fun. I spent most of my time up in my room watching cartoons and playing videogames.
Another thing I had discovered was soctcore pornography. German tv, after midnight. They'd show all the classic, cringeworthy softcore garbage. Emanuelle. A girl slid her hand down her pants and pretend-rubbed one out. Or in. Or whatever it is girls do. I couldn't get it out of my head. It was a problem, because I'd dream about it at night and mess up my bed in my sleep. This may not sound like a big deal to you, but we had maids. We had two cleaning ladies, who made our beds, dumped our clothes in the washing machine... yeah. I woke up that morning and hid my pants under the bed. When the maid came out of my room, they were gone! She knew! She never said or did anything, but back then it completely freaked me out and I had no idea how to deal with it.
I tried to stick a bunch of tissues to my dick with a fistful of rubber bands. I tried taping a little plastic bag to the tip. I considered sleeping naked and just dangling it over the edge of my bed while I slept. My family made no big deal out of nudity or talking about our bodies, but we never talked about... this.
While I had discovered the awkward side effects of tv nudity, my brother had his first business idea. Because we didn't just have tvs in our rooms. We had VCRs. Those were weird machines, which people used to record tv shows in the olden days. Ask your parents! So while I was trying to hide the fact that I couldn't stop creaming my pants, my brother was helping other kids do the same - and cashed in on it.
He recorded all the porn, took it to school and sold it. That was probably the weirdest call my dad ever got from school about one of his kids. Because, you know... somebody catches little Timmy whacking it to a boobie tape and questions will be asked. My brother was ratted out in no time and that was the end of his business. But he made a killing in the meanwhile and had all the coolest toys!
Things were looking up for me. I finally got my parents to take me to a doctor, so I could get glasses. Then they put me in a new school. A private catholic school for rich kids. Some of my teachers were actual nuns! You know, ninja costume and everything! There was a cross in every classroom, we had a little church inside the building and don't you dare use the Lord's name in vain. Heck, don't you dare wear inappropriate clothing or pick up a bit of snow to throw it at some other kid in the winter! I know, sounds like hell, but it was actually one of the happiest times in my life.
You see, in order to even be accepted into that school I had to repeat a year. I was bigger and stronger than all the other kids, so nobody bullied me. And since we were all spoiled weirdos, most of us were socially awkward. We were too insecure to pick on each other. Most importantly, though, cartoons and comedy shows taught me how to make the other kids laugh. Laughter was my weapon. It was my armor. All I had to do was make sarcastic remarks in class, be a smartass, the other kids loved it and nobody picked on me.
Better still - I no longer had to run a household with my brother, so I was actually awake in school and managed to keep up. Suddenly, school was easy! At that point in time I was 14 and had played so much Ultima, Might & Magic, Phantasy Star and other stuff, they no longer gave me any English homework, because I knew more than my teacher. If the other kids had a question, they turned to me, not the teacher. For the first time in a long while, life was good.
No comments:
Post a Comment